From time to time, I share here those forwarded e-mails that made me laugh. I received quite a few everyday but I just chose to read those interesting or funny ones. Here's one of them.
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' she said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' she said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'Nooooo, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he cries?
'BECAUSE...... I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM..... OKAY?!!'
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
From time to time, I share here those forwarded e-mails that made me laugh. I received quite a few everyday but I just chose to read those interesting or funny ones. Here's one of them.
Monday, October 19, 2009
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job...
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placedsomething in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, ;
"God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks,
"And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord re plies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men... In fact, she goes with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
Friday, July 10, 2009
They said that laughter is a good medicine and it's free. Here's another joke that will surely make you laugh. I had a good laugh after reading this. Have fun reading.
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself... However, the gates are closed,and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you.. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have topass it before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
How many seconds are there in a year?
What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says,
'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy.. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.. '
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy..'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied.
'I learnt it from the song, 'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN...'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run Forrest, run.'
Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folks.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
If you're sad, just read these jokes and I'm pretty sure it will make you laugh. My sister sent this to my e-mail and I just wanna share it here. Enjoy and be happy! By the way, this is my first time to post in Tagalog-English language.
Sa Math Class...
Teacher: Banong, kung meron akong 1 piraso ng karne at hinati ko ito,
ilang piraso na?
Banong: 2 po mam!
Teacher: At kung hinati ko pa pareho?
Banong: 4 na piraso po!
Teacher: Hinati ko ulit.
Banong: 8 piraso po.
Teacher: Hinati ko pa.
Banong: 16 po mam.
Teacher: Hinati ko pa?
Banong: 32 piraso na po!
Teacher: Kung hinati ko ulit?
Banong: 64 po! (nakangiti)
Teacher: At hinati ko pa? 2 beses ko pang hinati?
Banong: Ay susmaryosep mam! GINILING napo! GINILING!!!
Pulubi: Palimos po ng cake.
Ale: Aba, sosyal ka ah! Namalimos ka lang, gusto mo pang cake.. eto
Pulubi: Duh! Ate?! Bday ko kaya today?!?
ANAK: Tay mag-ingat kayo sa DANKTRAK!.
TATAY: ano ung danktrak?
ANAK: Yunn pong trak na 10 ang gulong na karga buhangin?
TATAY: Tanga inde danktrak un...TEN MILLER!!!
BRIDE: Kinakabahan ako. Baka di ko makaya.. Parang natatakot ako.
GROOM- Kaya mo ito. Diba dati may alaga kang ahas?
BRIDE- Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!!
BOY: Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo! Lahat ng ginagawa ko
Lagi nalang ako mali!!! Di 'nyo na ako mahal!
AMA: Nagkakamali ka anak?
BOY: Shet! Mali na naman ako!!!
Nanay: Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo!
Anak: Kapag yung baboy natin malakas kumain, natutuwa ka.
Sino ba talaga ang anak mo, ako o yong baboy?
Umayos ka nay! Wag ganun!
BF : May ibibigay akong gift sa yo, pero hulaan mo muna!
GF: Sige, clue naman...
BF: Kailangan ito ng leeg mo.
BF: Hindi... PANGHILOD! SMILE!!!
(Sa loob ng Mall)
GUY: LOVE, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.
Jowa: Ang pangit pangit naman!
GUY: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since...
JUDGE: Ano ba talaga nangyari?
ERAP: ? (di nagsasalita)
JUDGE: Sumagot ka sa tanong.
ERAP: Naman eh!!! Kala ko ba hearing lang to??? Bakit may speaking?
NARS: doc, bat tinanggihan nyo yung pasyente?
DR: alin, yung bakla?
NARS: opo. Baka sabihin namimili tayo, porket bading siya.
DR: ano naman raraspahin ko sa kanya?
FROG: what does my future hold?
FAIRY: you'll meet someone who wants to know everything about you.
FROG: great! Will I meet her in a party?
FAIRY: no. in biology class
Things you don't want to hear during your own surgery:
-san yung gunting na bago? Bat may kalawang to?
-10ml? may nakasurvive na ba dyan? Sabi ko 5ml lang!
-doc, ubos na po pala yung anesthesia.
-kanina pa bukas yung tiyan, asan yung pantahi?
-sunog! Sunog! Labas lahat!
inspiring quote of the day:
"hindi ako tamad. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko ibubuhos kasipagan ko."
'dear te, dear te, dear te!!!'
-sigaw ni Anabel Rama kay Lorin at Veniz (mga anak ni Rofa) habang
naglalaro ng tubig sa kanal.
MRS: hon, am I pretty or ugly?
MR: uhm.. both..
MRS: anong both? Pwedeng pretty and ugly?
MR: ang ibig ko sabihin, you're pretty ugly.
TEACHER: okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?
PEDRO: ako ma'am! Ako ma'am!
TEACHER: okay Pedro, what is science?
PEDRO: science is our lesson for today.
AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.
(nilabas ni Inday)
INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would not relent
to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution!
PULUBI: oh! I'm so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!
(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!)
BOB: nakakamagkano ka sa 1 araw?
PULUBI: nag-uumpisa kasi ako ng 8am. Ngayon 9am na. naka 80 na ko.
BOB: hindi din masama noh? Ano mabibili mo niyan?
PULUBI: pwede na tong isang espresso macchiato sa starbucks!
DOC: umubo ka!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: ubo pa!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
PEDRO: ano po ba sakit ko doc?
DOC: may ubo ka.
MEKANIKO: sir, hindi ko po naayos preno ng kotse niyo.
CUSTOMER: ha?! Pano yan?
MEKANIKO: nilakasan ko na lang po ang inyong busina!
Happy trip na lang po!
Divorced father: anak pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke
at sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for
child support tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya.
Anak: mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na
niya ito sa kin kasi 18 na ako. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw
expression ng face mo.
Mom: sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta
kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya!'
BOY: dad, tulong naman sa assignment ko. Find the least common denominator daw.
DAD: ha? aba'y elementary pa lang ako eh hinahanap na nila yan ah! Aba'y di pa ba nila nakikita?
BOY1: nakakakawa naman lola mo.
BOY1: nakasabay ko kasi magsimba nung isang araw, ubo ng ubo.
Pinagtitinginan nga ng tao.
BOY2: papansin lang yun!
BOY2: bago kasi blouse niya!
A boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:
If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?
SECRETARY: everything sir! Dress, bra, panty!
TEACHER: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa
dugo't pawis ng mga magsasaka?
MGA BATA: eeewwww!
BOY: is this your first time?
GIRL: (angrily) oo naman noh. You guys talaga. So kuleeet! Always asking me
the same question. Paulit-ulit. Hmp!
Magsyota sa motel.
BF: alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito.
GF: sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito!
BF: oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!
STUDENT: ma'am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman ginawa?
TEACHER: natural hindi.
STUDENT: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko!
PARI: halika sa sulok
MADRE: bakit po?
PARI: sara mo pinto.
MADRE: wag po!
PARI: patayin mo ilaw!
MADRE: diyos ko po!
PARI: tamo rosary ko. Glow in the dark!
TITSER: bat ka na-late?
EDWARD: nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki.
TITSER: tinulungan mo siyang maghanap?
EDWARD: hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya.
PARI: sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng ganda ng pakakasalan mo.
GROOM: eto P5, father.
Tinignan ng pari ang bride.
PARI: eto P4 sukli mo iho.
Sabi nung friend ko, nakakalaki daw ng tiyan ang beer. Kasi noon minsan
nalasing siya, nabuntis siya!
Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.
ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
LIBRARIAN: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!
JAIME ZOBEL DE AYALA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Spanish.
HENRY SY: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Chinese.
LITO ATIENZA: 1/2 Hawaiian, 1/2 Polo.
MIKE ARROYO: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 pork.
JOHN OSMENA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Pinay.
PROSPERO PICHAY: 1/2 Unggoy, 1/2 gulay.
GMA: 1/2 ... only.
WIFE: hon, nahirapan ako huminga.
HUSBAND: kung nahirapan ka ng huminga, itigil mo na.
GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?
BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.
GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang tarantado!
INA: anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito.
ANAK: nay, babae po ang sumagot.
INA: lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh!
ANAK: 'you only have zero pesos in your account...' hindi ko na tinapos
nay mukhang matapobre.
Nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita
niloloko lang siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim.
BANTAY: sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.
ERAP: bobo! Seedless to!
ANAK: nay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments?
NANAY: yun yung sampung utos ng Diyos.
ANAK: mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh!
ANAK: ang dami niyong utos eh!
thought to ponder:
hindi kaya ang dahilan ng pagbaha sa panahon ni Noah ay
pinutol niya lahat ng puno para gumawa ng napaka
laking arko? ano sa tingin mo?
PEDRO: niloko ko yung tindera kanina.
JUAN: paano mo naman niloko yung tindera?
PEDRO: nagpaload ako eh wala naman akong celfon.
Kung totoo ang ' Darwin 's theory of evolution' na ang tao
ay nagmula sa unggoy, bakit may mga taong mukhang kabayo?
DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto
mong sumali sa paluwagan.
PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare.
DORAY: bakit mare?
PINAY: virgin pa kasi ako.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it .
One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A Silver Dollar
A bottle of Whisky
And a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door, the old preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.'
'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered,
'He's gonna run for Congress!'
Friday, October 10, 2008
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, an d gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes,
hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'
I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my washcloth?'
I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.'
Never going back to that doctor. Ever.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
The first man married a woman from OHIO. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from MICHIGAN . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from TEXAS . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything. But by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down, and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
This made me laugh out loud...
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And if you had a 3 inch floppy,
You just hoped nobody ever found out!
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth: Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"
St. Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer." So the zebra went off in search of God.
When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"
God simply replied "You are what you are."
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God resolve your query for you?"
The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'"
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes."
The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that for certain?"
"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, "You is what you is."
Friday, June 6, 2008
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on theTexas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?'
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, 'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.'
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
'Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?'
The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did He has only one eye!'
The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!'
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, 'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?'
'Yes! He only has one ear!'
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!'
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,'This is probably a waste of time, but ... He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'
The blonde said, 'I sure did.. This man wears contact lenses.'
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, 'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.'
Monday, May 19, 2008
This is really funny. It made me laugh!!!
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth Grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?' She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked. She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!' 'Let me see' he said. 'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.' He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!
Thursday, May 1, 2008
A Texan is drinking in a Florida bar when he gets a call on his
cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of
drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a Typical
Texas Baby Boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks. Like I said,
my boy's a Typical Texas Baby Boy." Congratulations showered him from all
around and many exclamations of "WOW!". We heard one woman actually
fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say
you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at
birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So
how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is
puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already
weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star beer, wipes
his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says,
Monday, April 21, 2008
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'
A Redneck from Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The Texas Redneck replied, `where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'
Ah, the Old Stupid Texas Rednecks and his name was BUBBA!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.
Friday, April 4, 2008
With all the new technology regarding
fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to
When she was discharged from the hospital
and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make
coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another
relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another f ew minutes had elapsed, they
asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well,
when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded
"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?
"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?"
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars? Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that. So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would!? We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied "Yes . . . Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo."
Two businessmen in New York City are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be opened new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready. Only a few shelves are set up and nothing was yet on display.
One says to the other, 'I bet any minute now some stupid tourist is going to walk by, look in the window, stick his face in the door, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious gentleman walks to the window, has a
peek, sticks his head in the door and in a Texan drawl asks, 'What're y'all sellin' here?'
One of the men replies, 'Oh! We're selling assholes here'
Without skipping a beat, the Texan says, 'Well, I see y'all're doing real good; you only got two left!'
NEW YORKERS SHOULD NOT MESS WITH TEXANS.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke,To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk.
Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the
Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the
altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the
altar.. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels
of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now,
said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have
Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I
know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and
turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy
looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and
she turned into a telephone pole!"
GOOD SAMARITAN .
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She
described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the
drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the
roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little
girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "David, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
"No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how
powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.
Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"
MOSES &THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday
school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy
lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got
to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people
walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They
sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the
most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month
to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just
couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past
the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23
in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The
Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country "Is there anything breakable in
here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the
AMISH BUMPER STICKER
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The
owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to
the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient
vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.''
SUNDAY SCHOOL MESSAGE
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was
about The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor
stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school
lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."