A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . .


Now give me back my dog.

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Sex
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"


Church
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"

Pancakes
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

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I never heard of air ambulance before. We don't have it in the Philippines. How lucky is this country USA to have this kind of air ambulance service. I only know about the regular ambulance vehicle that take patience to the hospital. Nowadays, people are using the internet to find niche healthcare services and that resources available like airambulance.net make it easy and close the information gap. This site offers services to people who are sick to take them home with the utmost care. They routinely transport Americans who are abroad safely back home, as well as international clients. Their reputation has gained them repeat and recurring business across the world from the transport of international patients worldwide. They offer great services to their clients. They consult with the attending physician and the patient's family to determine the exact type of air ambulance service, precise medical equipment, and nurse or paramedic needed on board. Part of the process is to keep the family constantly informed. Their clients include social workers, Senators, Governors and the United States Marshall Service. Most of their efforts are spent bringing patients to better care facilities and bringing the loved ones of families home. Their dispatch is located in Miami, Florida and they have services all over the 50 states. So if you need to transport your sick loved ones home, contact airambulance.net and avail of their air ambulance service.

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The day finally arrived.

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.


St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.

We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But, nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:

What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:

How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:

What is God's first name?"


Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says,

"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers"

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?

Shucks, that one is easy.

That would be Today and Tomorrow."


The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one?" asked St. Peter

"How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve:

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ... "


"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind ... but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied,

"it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.

"I learnt it from the song,

'ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.' "


St.Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run!"


Give me a sense of humor, Lord.

Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,

To get some humor out of life,

And to pass it on to other folks

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First-time buyers took out loans which were 88 per cent of the property''s value in January, compared to 90 per cent in December and January 2007, according to a new report.

Research from the Council of Mortgage Lenders (CML) has also shown that people moving house borrowed 70 per cent of the property''s value which was down from 73 per cent in December and 72 per cent in January 2007.

Michael Coogan, CML director general, said: "The wholesale funding markets remain largely closed and Mortgage funding still remains constrained. This is now having a discernible impact on lending criteria and the ability of first-time buyers to get into the housing market."

He added that the budget tomorrow represents a perfect opportunity for the government to help out first-time buyers by raising the stamp duty threshold.

In related news a UK house builder, Bovis Homes, has called for the Bank of England to cut mortgage rates.

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INSTANT NOODLES

Dear instant noodle lovers,
Make sure you break for at least 3 days after one session of instant noodles before you eat your next packet! Please read the info shared to me by a doctor. My family stopped eating instant noodles more than 5 years ago after hearing about the wax coating the noodles - the wax is not just in the Styrofoam containers but it coats the noodles. This is why the instant noodles do not stick to each other when cooking.

If one were to examine the ordinary Chinese yellow noodles in the market, one will notice that, in their uncooked state the noodles are oily. This layer of oil prevents the noodles from sticking together.

Wanton noodles in their uncooked state have been dusted with flour to prevent them sticking together. When the hawker cooks the noodles, notice he cooks them in hot water and then rinses them in cold water before cooking them in hot water again. This process is repeated several times before the noodles are ready to be served. The cooking and rinsing process prevents noodles from sticking together.

The hawker then "lowers the noodles in oil and sauce to prevent the noodles from sticking if they are to be served dry. Cooking instructions for spaghetti require oil or butter to be added in the water when boiling the spaghetti to prevent the pasta from sticking together. Otherwise, one gets a big clump of spaghetti!

There was an SBC (now TCS) actor some years ago, who at a busy time of his career had no time to cook, resorted to eating instant noodles everyday. He got cancer later on. His doctor told him about the wax in instant noodles. The doctor told him that our body will need up to 2 days to clear the wax. There was also an SIA steward who after moving out from his mother's house into his own house, did not cook but ate instant noodles almost every meal. He had cancer, and has since died from it.

Nowadays the instant noodles are referred as " cancer noodles ".

SATAY LOVERS (BARBECUE)

If you all eat Satay, don't ever forget to eat the cucumber, because eating Satay together with carbon after barbequing can cause cancer.
But we have a cure for that... Cucumber should be eaten after we eat the Satay because Satay has carcinogen (a cancer causing element) but cucumber is anti-carcinogenic. So don't forget to eat the cucumber the next time you have Satay's.

PRAWNS (SUGPO) & VIT C

DO NOT eat shrimp / prawn if you have just taken VITAMIN C pills!! This will cause you to DIE in ARSENIC (As) toxication within HOURS!!

PORK AWARENESS

Try this and see whether the pork you bought has worms. There goes with your "Bak Kut Teh" for those who love it. Most men love to eat this so watch out before it's too late. If you pours Coke (yes, the soda) on a slab of pork, wait a little while, you will SEE WORMS crawl out of it. A message from the Health Corporation of Singapore about the bad effects of pork consumption. Pig's bodies contain MANY TOXINS, WORM and LATENT DISEASES.

Although some of these infestations are harboured in other animals, modern veterinarians say that pigs are far MORE PREDISPOSED to these illnesses than other animals. This could be because PIGS like to SCAVENGE and will eat ANY kind of food, INCLUDING dead insects, worms, rotting carcasses, excreta including their own, garbage, and other pigs. INFLUENZA (flu) is one of the MOST famous illnesses which pigs share with humans. This illness is harboured in the LUNGS of pigs during the summer months and tends to affect pigs and human in the cooler months.

Sausage contains bits of pigs' lungs, so those who EAT pork sausage tend to SUFFER MORE during EPIDEMICS of INFLUENZA. Pig meat contains EXCESSIVE quantities of HISTAMINE and IMIDAZOLE compounds, which can lead to ITCHING and INFLAMMATION; GROWTH HORMONE which PROMOTES INFLAMMATION and growth; sulphur containing mesenchymal mucus which leads to SWELLING and deposits of MUCUS in tendons and cartilage, resulting in ATHRITIS, RHEUMATISM, etc.
Sulphur helps cause FIRM human tendons and ligaments to be replaced by the pig's soft mesenchymal tissues, and degeneration of human cartilage.

Eating pork can also lead to GALLSTONES and OBESITY, probably due to its HIGH CHOLESTEROL and SATURATED FAT content. The pig is the MAIN CARRIER of the TAENIE SOLIUM WORM, which is found in its flesh. These tapeworms are found in human intestines with greater frequency in nations where pigs are eaten. This type of tapeworm can pass through the intestines and affect many other organs, and is incurable once it reaches beyond a certain stage. One in six people in the US and Canada has RICHINOSIS from eating trichina worms, which are found in pork.

Many people have NO SYMPTOMS to warm them of this, and when they do, they resemble symptoms of many other illnesses. These worms are NOT noticed during meat inspections.

SHAMPOO

Cancer-causing substance in shampoos. Go home and check your shampoo. Change before it's too late... Check the ingredients listed on your shampoo bottle, and see they have a substance by the name of Sodium Laureth Sulfate, or simply SLS. This substance is found in most shampoos; manufacturers use it because it produces a lot of foam and it is cheap. BUT the fact is, SLS is used to scrub garage floors, and it is very strong!!! It is also proven that it can cause cancer in the long run, and this is no joke. Shampoos that contains SLS: Vo5, Palmolive, Paul Mitchell, L'Oreal, the new Hemp Shampoo from Body Shop etc. contain this substance.

The first ingredient listed (which means it is the single most prevalent ingredient) in Clairol's Herbal Essences is Sodium Laureth Sulfate. Therefore, I called one company, and I told them their product contains a substance that will cause people to have cancer. They said, Yeah we knew about it but there is nothing we can do about it because we need that substance to produce foam. By the way Colgate toothpaste also contains the same substance to produce the "bubbles". They said they are going to send me some information.

Research has shown that in the 1980s, the chance of getting cancer is 1 out of 8000 and now, in the 1990s, the chances of getting cancer is 1 out of 3, which is very serious. Therefore, I hope that you will take this seriously and pass this on to all the people you know, and hopefully, we can stop "giving" ourselves cancer-causing agents.

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