Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke,To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk.

Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the
Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the
altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the
altar.. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels
of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now,
said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have
Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I
know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and
turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy
looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and
she turned into a telephone pole!"

GOOD SAMARITAN .
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She
described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the
drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the
roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little
girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "David, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
"No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"

HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how
powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.
Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"

MOSES &THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday
school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy
lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got
to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people
walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They
sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never
believe it!"

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the
most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month
to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just
couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past
the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23
in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The
Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

CHURCH SMILES
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country "Is there anything breakable in
here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the
lady.

AMISH BUMPER STICKER
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The
owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to
the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient
vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.''

SUNDAY SCHOOL MESSAGE
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was
about The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor
stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school
lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business"
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At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
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On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************

Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
************************

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Wouldn't it be nice to have your private number plates in your car personalized? I've seen some cars with personalized plate numbers and I really think they are cool. I didn't know that there's a website where you can get Private Number Plates for your cars. This is probably the best value private number plates and personalized car registrations on the internet. You can search millions of cherished car number plates, ageless car registrations, prefix type personalized number plates and current style number plates in this site. The good thing is that they do the transfer paperwork for you. They don't just send you a certificate and leave you to do the work yourself. This is a cool site.

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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . .


Now give me back my dog.

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Sex
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"


Church
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"

Pancakes
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

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I never heard of air ambulance before. We don't have it in the Philippines. How lucky is this country USA to have this kind of air ambulance service. I only know about the regular ambulance vehicle that take patience to the hospital. Nowadays, people are using the internet to find niche healthcare services and that resources available like airambulance.net make it easy and close the information gap. This site offers services to people who are sick to take them home with the utmost care. They routinely transport Americans who are abroad safely back home, as well as international clients. Their reputation has gained them repeat and recurring business across the world from the transport of international patients worldwide. They offer great services to their clients. They consult with the attending physician and the patient's family to determine the exact type of air ambulance service, precise medical equipment, and nurse or paramedic needed on board. Part of the process is to keep the family constantly informed. Their clients include social workers, Senators, Governors and the United States Marshall Service. Most of their efforts are spent bringing patients to better care facilities and bringing the loved ones of families home. Their dispatch is located in Miami, Florida and they have services all over the 50 states. So if you need to transport your sick loved ones home, contact airambulance.net and avail of their air ambulance service.

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