If you're sad, just read these jokes and I'm pretty sure it will make you laugh. My sister sent this to my e-mail and I just wanna share it here. Enjoy and be happy! By the way, this is my first time to post in Tagalog-English language.

Sa Math Class...

Teacher: Banong, kung meron akong 1 piraso ng karne at hinati ko ito,

ilang piraso na?

Banong: 2 po mam!

Teacher: At kung hinati ko pa pareho?

Banong: 4 na piraso po!

Teacher: Hinati ko ulit.

Banong: 8 piraso po.

Teacher: Hinati ko pa.

Banong: 16 po mam.

Teacher: Hinati ko pa?

Banong: 32 piraso na po!

Teacher: Kung hinati ko ulit?

Banong: 64 po! (nakangiti)

Teacher: At hinati ko pa? 2 beses ko pang hinati?

Banong: Ay susmaryosep mam! GINILING napo! GINILING!!!

SA BAKERY

Pulubi: Palimos po ng cake.

Ale: Aba, sosyal ka ah! Namalimos ka lang, gusto mo pang cake.. eto

pandesal!

Pulubi: Duh! Ate?! Bday ko kaya today?!?

ANAK: Tay mag-ingat kayo sa DANKTRAK!.

TATAY: ano ung danktrak?

ANAK: Yunn pong trak na 10 ang gulong na karga buhangin?

TATAY: Tanga inde danktrak un...TEN MILLER!!!

Honeymoon...

BRIDE: Kinakabahan ako. Baka di ko makaya.. Parang natatakot ako.

GROOM- Kaya mo ito. Diba dati may alaga kang ahas?

BRIDE- Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!!


BOY: Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo! Lahat ng ginagawa ko

puro mali!

Lagi nalang ako mali!!! Di 'nyo na ako mahal!

AMA: Nagkakamali ka anak?

BOY: Shet! Mali na naman ako!!!


Nanay: Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo!

Anak: Kapag yung baboy natin malakas kumain, natutuwa ka.

Sino ba talaga ang anak mo, ako o yong baboy?

Umayos ka nay! Wag ganun!


BF : May ibibigay akong gift sa yo, pero hulaan mo muna!

GF: Sige, clue naman...

BF: Kailangan ito ng leeg mo.

GF: Kwintas?

BF: Hindi... PANGHILOD! SMILE!!!


(Sa loob ng Mall)

GUY: LOVE, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.

Jowa: Ang pangit pangit naman!

GUY: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since...


JUDGE: Ano ba talaga nangyari?

ERAP: ? (di nagsasalita)

JUDGE: Sumagot ka sa tanong.

ERAP: Naman eh!!! Kala ko ba hearing lang to??? Bakit may speaking?

NARS: doc, bat tinanggihan nyo yung pasyente?

DR: alin, yung bakla?

NARS: opo. Baka sabihin namimili tayo, porket bading siya.

DR: ano naman raraspahin ko sa kanya?


FROG: what does my future hold?

FAIRY: you'll meet someone who wants to know everything about you.

FROG: great! Will I meet her in a party?

FAIRY: no. in biology class


Things you don't want to hear during your own surgery:

-san yung gunting na bago? Bat may kalawang to?

-10ml? may nakasurvive na ba dyan? Sabi ko 5ml lang!

-doc, ubos na po pala yung anesthesia.

-kanina pa bukas yung tiyan, asan yung pantahi?

-sunog! Sunog! Labas lahat!


inspiring quote of the day:

"hindi ako tamad. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko ibubuhos kasipagan ko."


'dear te, dear te, dear te!!!'

-sigaw ni Anabel Rama kay Lorin at Veniz (mga anak ni Rofa) habang

naglalaro ng tubig sa kanal.


MRS: hon, am I pretty or ugly?

MR: uhm.. both..

MRS: anong both? Pwedeng pretty and ugly?

MR: ang ibig ko sabihin, you're pretty ugly.


TEACHER: okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?

PEDRO: ako ma'am! Ako ma'am!

TEACHER: okay Pedro, what is science?

PEDRO: science is our lesson for today.


AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.

(nilabas ni Inday)

INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would not relent

to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution!

PULUBI: oh! I'm so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!

(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!)


NOSEBLEED!!

BOB: nakakamagkano ka sa 1 araw?

PULUBI: nag-uumpisa kasi ako ng 8am. Ngayon 9am na. naka 80 na ko.

BOB: hindi din masama noh? Ano mabibili mo niyan?

PULUBI: pwede na tong isang espresso macchiato sa starbucks!


DOC: umubo ka!

PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!

DOC: ubo pa!

PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!

DOC: okay.

PEDRO: ano po ba sakit ko doc?

DOC: may ubo ka.


MEKANIKO: sir, hindi ko po naayos preno ng kotse niyo.

CUSTOMER: ha?! Pano yan?

MEKANIKO: nilakasan ko na lang po ang inyong busina!

Happy trip na lang po!


Divorced father: anak pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke

at sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for

child support tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya.

Anak: mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na

niya ito sa kin kasi 18 na ako. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw

expression ng face mo.

Mom: sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta

kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya!'


BOY: dad, tulong naman sa assignment ko. Find the least common denominator daw.

DAD: ha? aba'y elementary pa lang ako eh hinahanap na nila yan ah! Aba'y di pa ba nila nakikita?


BOY1: nakakakawa naman lola mo.

BOY2: bakit?

BOY1: nakasabay ko kasi magsimba nung isang araw, ubo ng ubo.

Pinagtitinginan nga ng tao.

BOY2: papansin lang yun!

BOY1: bakit?

BOY2: bago kasi blouse niya!


A boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:

If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?

SECRETARY: everything sir! Dress, bra, panty!


TEACHER: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa

dugo't pawis ng mga magsasaka?

MGA BATA: eeewwww!


BOY: is this your first time?

GIRL: (angrily) oo naman noh. You guys talaga. So kuleeet! Always asking me

the same question. Paulit-ulit. Hmp!


Magsyota sa motel.

BF: alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito.

GF: sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito!

BF: oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!


STUDENT: ma'am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman ginawa?

TEACHER: natural hindi.

STUDENT: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko!

PARI: halika sa sulok

MADRE: bakit po?

PARI: sara mo pinto.

MADRE: wag po!

PARI: patayin mo ilaw!

MADRE: diyos ko po!

PARI: tamo rosary ko. Glow in the dark!


TITSER: bat ka na-late?

EDWARD: nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki.

TITSER: tinulungan mo siyang maghanap?

EDWARD: hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya.


Sa kasalan

PARI: sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng ganda ng pakakasalan mo.

GROOM: eto P5, father.

Tinignan ng pari ang bride.

PARI: eto P4 sukli mo iho.


Sabi nung friend ko, nakakalaki daw ng tiyan ang beer. Kasi noon minsan

nalasing siya, nabuntis siya!

Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.

ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.

LIBRARIAN: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!


JAIME ZOBEL DE AYALA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Spanish.

HENRY SY: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Chinese.

LITO ATIENZA: 1/2 Hawaiian, 1/2 Polo.

MIKE ARROYO: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 pork.

JOHN OSMENA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Pinay.

PROSPERO PICHAY: 1/2 Unggoy, 1/2 gulay.

GMA: 1/2 ... only.


SA OSPITAL.....

WIFE: hon, nahirapan ako huminga.

HUSBAND: kung nahirapan ka ng huminga, itigil mo na.


GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?

BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.

GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang tarantado!


INA: anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito.

[pagkatapos tawagan.]

ANAK: nay, babae po ang sumagot.

INA: lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh!

Anong sabi?

ANAK: 'you only have zero pesos in your account...' hindi ko na tinapos

nay mukhang matapobre.


Nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita

niloloko lang siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim.

BANTAY: sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.

ERAP: bobo! Seedless to!


ANAK: nay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments?

NANAY: yun yung sampung utos ng Diyos.

ANAK: mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh!

NANAY: bakit?

ANAK: ang dami niyong utos eh!


thought to ponder:

hindi kaya ang dahilan ng pagbaha sa panahon ni Noah ay

pinutol niya lahat ng puno para gumawa ng napaka

laking arko? ano sa tingin mo?


PEDRO: niloko ko yung tindera kanina.

JUAN: paano mo naman niloko yung tindera?

PEDRO: nagpaload ako eh wala naman akong celfon.

Kung totoo ang ' Darwin 's theory of evolution' na ang tao

ay nagmula sa unggoy, bakit may mga taong mukhang kabayo?


DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto

mong sumali sa paluwagan.

PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare.

DORAY: bakit mare?

PINAY: virgin pa kasi ako.

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Hey guys, if you're not satisfied with your cable, phone and internet service provider, then why not switch to a better, cheaper and more reliable company like Charter. Aside from providing you with an affordable and better services, Charter is also creating new bundle offers for more ways to save on home entertainment. I bet you didn't get this offer from other cable companies out there. Here's more from Charter. As part of that campaign Charter Cable is attracting new customers and rewarding existing customers in new and exciting ways by giving away gift cards during the month of May. Anybody could enter for a chance to win by joining the Charter's Free Gift Card Sweepstakes and if you're lucky, you could win $5,000 gift card grand prize or four weekly prizes of a $1,000 gift card. Ain't that cool?

The contest is open to anyone and no purchase is necessary. A current or new customer who orders anything online at Charter.com throughout May is automatically entered to win and will receive $75 or $150 in gift cards depending on their bundle selection. To keep up with the latest from Charter and to get valuable deals and access to great sweepstakes, FollowCharter on Twitter at www.twitter.com/chartercom. Charter had already given away a lot of cool prizes the previous months. Why don't you visit their site today and enter the contest for a chance to win.

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We just came back from a 2 week vacation in Baguio the other day. My hubby had a good time there because he didn't sweat a lot unlike here in the lowland. The weather there is nice and cool. Hubby had been doing his daily walk there and he impressed me because he went out walking 3 to 5 times a day. He never did that here in our town. He said it's too hot to go out walking here. We've been to Baguio many times already since we've been here in my homeland. If only we have the money, we would like to buy a house there. I just keep wishing and praying. Who knows, God will grant us our desire in His time. Anyways, here are some pics of us taken in Baguio.

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Never, put your banana in the refrigerator!!! This is interesting. After reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way again.

Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes. But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.

PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.

Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.

Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation. Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.

Smoking: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes: According to research in "The New England Journal of Medicine, "eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around. So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"

PS: Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time! I will add one here; want a quick shine on our shoes?? Take the INSIDE of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe...polish with dry cloth.
Amazing fruit.

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Do you believe in miracles? I do. I experienced God's miracle in my life many years ago. He has healed me of the big C that's why my faith in Him became stronger. You can read my testimony about my healing miracle here.

Here's a story of another miracle.

A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet. She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even The total ha d to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes. Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.

She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention, but he was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster.. No good Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it! 'And what do you want?' the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice. I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages,' he said without waiting for a reply to his question.

'Well, I want to talk to you about my brother,' Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone. 'He's really, really sick...and I want to buy a miracle.'

'I beg your pardon?' said the pharmacist.

'His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?'

'We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you,' the pharmacist said, softening a little.

'Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it cost.'

The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man He stooped down and asked the little girl, "What kind of a miracle does your brother need?"

" I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up. I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money.'

'How much do you have?' asked the man from Chicago.

'One dollar and eleven cents,' Tess answered barely audibly. 'And it's all the money
I have, but I can get some more if I need to.'

'Well, what a coincidence,' smiled the man. 'A dollar and eleven cents---the exact price of a miracle for little brothers.' He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said 'Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need.'

That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well.

Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place.

'That surgery,' her Mom whispered. 'was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?'

Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost..one dollar and eleven cents....plus the faith of a little child.

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Here's a touching story that I received in my e-mail. I hope it will touch your heart as it did mine.

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily appraising a basket of freshly picked green peas.

I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes.
Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.

'Hello Barry, how are you today?'

'H'lo , Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good.'

'They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?'

'Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time.'

'Good. Anything I can help you with?'

'No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas.'

'Would you like to take some
home?' asked Mr. Miller.

'No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with.'

'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?'

'All I got's my prize marble here.'

'Is that right? Let me see it' said Miller..

'Here 'tis. She's a dandy.'

'I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?' the store owner asked.

'Not zackley but almost..'

'Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble'.. Mr. Miller told the boy.

'Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller.'

Mrs.. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, 'There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red
marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store.'

I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado , but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.

Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr.. Miller had died..


They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore
nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking.. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her, and moved on to the casket.

Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one; each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.

'Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim 'traded' them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or
size.....they came to pay their debt.'

'We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,' she confided, 'but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho.'

With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

The Moral: We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath....

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ~ A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself...An unexpected phone call from an old friend...Green stoplights on your way to work...The fastest line at the grocery store...A good sing-along song on the radio...Your keys found right where you left them.

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU GATHER, BUT WHAT YOU SCATTER THAT TELLS WHAT KIND OF LIFE YOU HAVE LIVED.

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